J. Michael Dashiell

J. Michael Dashiell has written 95 short stories, 10 essays and 1,012 jokes. He’s had 7 short stories published: Chainsaws & Munchkins (humor) was published in the April 2008 issue of Defenestration Magazine. Alien (underground) is now posted at www.scars.tv in “Writings” scheduled to appear in the December 2008  print edition of CC&D Magazine. Xavier Atomized (flash fiction) was published in the February 2007 issue of Word Riot. The remaining four have appeared in Thieves Jargon, The Circle Magazine, The Blue Review & The New England Writers’ Network Magazine.  

A Vacation from Life

     After a sleepless night of tears and travail and extreme pain, instead of resisting the force of this heartbreak, I let my ego yield or perish on that pivotal morning in my twenty-third year. Either destroyed or simply displaced, my ego disappeared for all practicality. How I caused or let it happen I can’t say. It seemed too unconscious or liminal an event. It seemed as though I died in respect to myself and this world. Desire and its complications became wiped clean with this death, and as a result I felt liberated of a terrible burden, and experienced a sense of exhilaration rather than gloom. The attachments that either pulled or interfered evaporated too. A smile appeared on my face that wouldn’t fade. This marked the beginning of an ironic, triangular odyssey or a vacation from life.
     My love interest at that time, Diana, had made a cold flat out rejection of my inclinations, and this created the storm that vanquished me. It was as though it required havoc this intense in order for me to suffer a reaction so unusual and extreme that I forfeited my ego to escape the pain. Ironically enough, this liberation, while it lasted, seemed to generate more joy than if Diana had enthusiastically welcomed my advances. I had entered a new world, a new type of existence that was far more interesting than the usual gratification of love. It presented a set of fresh possibilities. I had no master to serve, no beating stick to heed.
     It’s as though I’d been transferred to a casket, and with discreet, unseen glances from within, I began a watch of the parade of human endeavor. I found myself dead and now could view this procession of desire and action, loss and gain, in a most unique way. It certainly would appear peculiar to those engaged in this endless effort to achieve happiness, and if ever achieved, the anxious maneuvering to protect it. I felt a little sly. I had nothing to achieve and nothing to protect. The peace I experienced required no work, no struggle. It amounted to timeless state and a complete suspension of ambition. Self-concern, the ego gravitation that draws all negatives, faded like an oppressive dream. I dallied in my rest, and enjoyed the world with a delicious humor, free of the isolation most would suppose. It proved funny how the world relentlessly attempted to gain and keep. Its contentment and joys suffered a constant threat of annihilation. There stood nothing to protect it from random misfortune and accidents, and it usually didn’t possess the resiliency to simply cast them off. Boredom motivated the world surely as much as desire. The vanity of it all was too absurd to mourn. If everyone could see the folly of it, they would laugh with embarrassment.
      I’d become a detached observer, a new creature that saw life in a new way or as a disincarnate ghost enjoying the odd procession of sights and sounds. My point of view certainly posed a threat to the usual state of affairs. The usual obligations to serve this foolishness no longer applied. It’d be serving a lie or participating in a degrading service. My discovery proved precious. I couldn’t reveal it but only to the most worthy few. Most would view it with perplexity or judge it as madness. For the time being I’d keep my mouth shut.
      Almost a week passed. I felt inspired to take an impromptu walk about the large medical center in Wilmington, Delaware where I was employed as a Central Service sterile supply orderly. Though my job required a lot of walking, and briefly visiting all areas of every hospital, on that great day a walk sounded irresistible. It was in April and all the trees enjoyed full, rich green leaves, and flowers were at their peak of size and color. Oddly enough, the jumping melody from the 70’s rock album, Thick as a Brick, poured through my brain. Ian Anderson’s flute playing seemed as vivid as if I was listening to the album live. Still my smile would not fade, and had hardly dimmed for one full week.
     I exited the Student Union building where I rented a room, and saw the activity: The smiling faces, the terse exchanges of greeting, the walking assemblies, and the rich, sprawling lawn and walks. I felt immediate elation to feel the sun warm my face. As the endless melody filled my brain, I felt a subtle submergence from within my being like a long forgotten early joy from the past. It increased in magnitude, and spread to the top of my brain to the bottom of my feet. I could feel this vitality in my fingertips and toes. It exerted an exalting type force.
     As I watched the swaying treetops and the glorious flowers in gardens and walkways, I felt as though the surge from within also emanated from all I saw. I could feel and almost see the spirit of life extend from and pour out of every living thing like a transparent sea. It proved deeply poetic and profound, and temporarily I felt transported into ecstasy. The melody in my head carried this exuberance like a sea wave would a small boat, and took me to heights of feeling that the usual, mundane view of things would never inspire. It seemed as though all of nature broke forth into song. Nothing was dead. This ecstasy lasted for about twenty minutes, then slowly rescinded like the closing of a symphony after a finale. I felt returned to the ordinary world again, yet a portion of this awakening remained. I would never be the same again. I’d essentially be a spiritual man no matter how worldly or skeptical I later became. 
     Another 3 days passed and my discovery pressured my conscience too much to keep it secret. I felt as though it could greatly benefit people, so I decided to tell my best friend, Wally, who was naturally positive and open to new ideas. I also believed he possessed a solid grip on reality, and viewed life as mainstream society would if confronted with the revelation of my unusual experience. We made a date to have lunch at our favorite coffee shop. I had offered no clue of what my discovery was and sounded without any premature excitement though I was thoroughly caught away. I simply described it “as a matter I’d like to discuss.”
      Wally smiled to see me enter. I spotted him immediately. As usual he was dressed in sharp business attire that reflected his employment as an insurance agent. I sat down. I think he found himself somewhat amazed to see a broad smile on my face as this was unusual for me. His eyes darted freely about, connecting with mine with harmless lightning strikes and showing the natural freshness of his brain. This freshness had won him more sales than the quality of any policy he could offer, I believe.
      He said, “You look like you hit the lottery!”
     I chuckled and shook my head. “No.”
     He followed with, “Okay, let me think… you’re in love?”
      I laughed a moment and said, “Yes, love’s awakened yet it’s not what you think.”
      We paused a moment to place our lunch order. I think he wondered at the mysterious gleam in my eye.
     When the waitress parted, he immediately asked, “So, you’ve been born again? It’s hard to imagine you as a Christian, Matt, even with Judy’s advertising.”
     Judy was his wife who had witnessed to me a couple of times.
     I laughed again. “Quite the opposite, Wally. I’m quite dead. I gave up my ego, and this has introduced me to a whole new existence!”
     He appeared perplexed. He wasn’t familiar with Eastern religion or philosophy, another reason I chose him.
     “I mean, I no longer desire anything, no longer concern my self with anything. I’m free to enjoy life as it was before the major institutions of the world established themselves. It’s pure and virginal to its core!”
     “I don’t understand, Matt. What is it you’re describing?”
     “Peace. Peace born by forfeiture of ego, pure and simple.”
     A keen look came to his eye. “Well, how did this happen? God, you mean?”
     “No, God isn’t a part of it. It’s not concerned with God.”
     He took a sip of iced-tea and now appeared dumbfounded. His eyes gazed steadfastly into my own.
    “Well, Matt, at least I’m glad you have a smile on your face! Last time I saw you, you were concerned about Diana. Is she involved in this?”
     I thought he’d try her as an explanation. She made our last topic of conversation.
     “Diana played a part. She told me flat out she couldn’t get romantically involved with me.”
     Our lunch was served. Wally took a bite of his tuna melt and promptly dabbed his lips. He still pondered what I had said.
     “So, why did her rejection make you so happy, Matt? I thought you had a really bad crush on her?”
     His thinking sounded so grounded in the world and down to earth thinking. It could only fail him here.
    “Her rejection of my desires devastated me. I reacted to it by forfeiting my ego, as I said. I think I’ve discovered an extraordinary thing! I’ve become conscious of a world that the usual self-driven concerns have long since buried. This type of existence emerged as a long lost paradise. I think it’s similar to how the original Polynesians lived before they became contaminated by Western culture.”
     I pertly ate a fried shrimp. I think my admission threatened his capitalistic way of life. Desire, action and personal gain being its primary fuel.
     “Well, it’s fascinating, Matt. But what do you do now?”
     “I simply do nothing for the time being. There’s no motive for doing. I’ll just let this experience teach me all it can. I don’t want to do anything that might lure me into this world again. It’d threaten what I’ve gained.”
    As usual his concerns were practical.
    “So, will you keep your job at the med center?”
     “Yes, of course. Though I may not personally need anything, my body and my immediate world does. I still need to pay rent, eat and buy a few things even if my tastes are quite simple now. I’m able to delight in the most common things.”
     He smiled again, showing some exasperation.
     “Well, Matt, you now seem a wonder to me. I don’t think I understand you. You know, I’m a married man out to earn a comfortable living? I like sports and play the market, the usual things! Do I still interest you as a friend?”
    His sincerity touched me. “Yes, of course.”
    “Well, I don’t think I care to lose my ego. Judy would make me her slave!”
    We laughed and finished lunch. As benign as my feelings proved, my discovery certainly acted as a threat to the status quo. It was so much like a man retiring to a monastery for the ascetic nature of it, having dismissed the world. I returned home feeling brighter than ever. Diana crossed my mind, but I now felt she could never understand or appreciate my transformation. She also seemed too ordinary now to attract me. The following Saturday afternoon I visited my older brother to inform him of my new existence. He was more spiritual and suffered less attachments to the world, and had the potential to understand me better than anyone else. Brian had read volumes of philosophy and once studied yoga.
     With my smile in tact, I said, “Hi, Brian, haven’t seen you for a while.”
     He seemed somewhat mystified by the mystery on my face. I had formerly looked as serious or sullen as he did.
     “Hello, Matt, you must have good news?”
     He peered into his engine and with a socket wrench began to unscrew a spark plug. I stepped up to him.
     “Why do you think I have good news?”
     He made a brief smile himself. “Well, you must be smiling for some reason. Did you get a raise or promoted at work?”
     I let out a scoffing laugh. “No, it’s not work related! It’s quite unusual.”
     His eyes queried me yet he said nothing. Brian spoke very little unless he had something important to say and seldom smiled.
     “I’ve changed, I mean. I believed I’ve suffered a type of ego death, a liberation of sorts. It’s hard to introduce this information anymore gracefully.”
    He made another half smile. “Are you on another one of your tangents, Matt?”
    Briefly I shuddered but my assurance of the validity of this state quickly calmed the discord. I’d been known to chase wild ideas.
     “No, I believe the change is genuine. It’s now ten days in existence.”
     He retrieved the spark plug and threw it on the driveway grass.
     “It’s spiritual, Brian. It’s as though I’m dead yet alive, wonderfully alive.”
     He began to unscrew the other one. I think my change made him feel uneasy as though it was a kind of confrontation, and a challenge to achieve the same.
     “I’ve found peace. It was born of suffering. I simply forfeited my ego and have enjoyed ten days of bliss as though I’m a corpse watching life from a casket, dead yet awake.”
     He said, “At least it sounds better than death in life. What makes you sure it’s genuine?”
     I think he now felt a little envious. He challenged anything that made him so.
    “I no longer experience self concern or want. Brian, it’s the liberation that Buddha preached!”
    He tossed out the other plug, and prepared to install in a fresh one. Brian had read books on Zen. He better understood what I meant.
    “So, you are enlightened?”
    I smiled glad he was beginning to understand. “Let’s say I’ve made a fundamental discovery about life that underlies the minds of most of us. It resides in an imperceptible realm because the usual view watches the world. It’s even too deep for the usual ego hampered introspection.”
    “Well, ego is the source of human suffering,” he said rather nonchalantly, as though he was merely quoting a dry maxim he’d read.
    “Right, Brian, do you understand me now?”
    He didn’t acknowledge my question but said, “Well, ego has such tenacity to return. You usually need the instruction of a master to remain free of it. Ego is tricky. I don’t want to rob you of any joy but if your conversion’s only superficial it’ll reappear before you even know.”
     “Well, Brian, I’m not concerned about that now. I’m just enjoying the experience.”
     His wife, Linda, called out to him from the back door.
     “Brian, Jerry needs you to pick him up at the library now!”
     “Okay!” He now had the new spark plugs installed and closed the hood.
     “Matt, what you’ve said is interesting, but only time will verify how real it is. You might only be experiencing a kind of ego amnesia. Usually ego suspension requires years of instruction, and is the result of years of hard work. You might only be in a state of shock. What caused all this?”
     I felt a little stifled. “Oh, Diana, broke off relations with me to put it simply.”
     His eyes expressed a suspicion that suggested he’d found me out.
    “So, you let your ego die to escape the pain?”
    Reluctantly I said, “Yes, it happened without any conscious motivation on my part.”
    “An accident?”
    “Yes, I can’t explain exactly how this transformation occurred.”
    “Matt, as I said, it requires great wisdom to prevent ego from reemerging. It’s like fly paper. Once you get it off one hand, it’s already on the other. Ego is necessary to a worldly existence. It’s the adhesive that binds all of our aspects together. Without it we’d drift apart into a vaporous non-entity.  It’s the most tenacious part of us! Your ego death may be no more than a bandage over a bad wound. It might even be a frightened rabbit deep in its hole because a coyote is prowling about above. Give it another couple of weeks. If you are still free, let me know. I’d like to experience a transformation myself, but only direct knowledge can help me. An unconscious accident can teach me nothing.”
     I felt somewhat assaulted by his skepticism. He was my older brother, wiser in his opinion, and if either of us were to achieve something extraordinary it’d be he. I consoled myself with the thought that Brian felt I’d stolen the achievement that was rightfully his. I had threatened his own vanity. Whenever ego is discussed, ego glares. I returned home and after an hour I realized I wasn’t smiling anymore. I accepted the fact I experienced temporary anger. Brian didn’t embrace my joy and instead attempted to disqualify it. Nevertheless, if I were certain of my transformation, his skepticism wouldn’t affect me; It was sufficient unto itself. I wondered was it actually only ego amnesia or a superficial bandage? Had my conclusions been premature? I pondered myself into self concern.
     The following Monday I returned to work. I was on my way to begin the 2nd shift when I ran into Clarence, a co-worker. We stood in one of the numerous underground tunnels. He was a big, black guy who felt comfortable enough with me to voice his complaints or problems. He thought I was smart enough to help.
     “Yal, Matt, I’m workin’ so many hours I don’t even have time to visit my girlfriend. You know where I’m comin’ from, man? They schedule me to work a straight two weeks at a time. All I do is work. I wish John would give me a day off. He keeps me movin’ all that heavy stuff everywhere. I feel like I’m used.”
     I knew that our supervisor was over scheduling Clarence to do the “dirty work” no one else would do.
     “Well, Clarence, raise your problem with John. It’s best not to harbor this complaint in secret. He can’t take any action if you don’t make him aware of the problem.”
     Clarence amounted to a dear humble soul who I liked and had always liked. He usually didn’t make any attempt to defend himself against exploitation, yet accepted whatever hardship came his way.
     He considered what I said then said, “Maybe I should. Maybe I should.” He paused then addressed the curiosity I’d become. “Hey, Matt, you and Diana together now? Last time I saw yuz, you had a big smile on your face. You seemed real happy.”
     I finally experienced a waft of pain. My bright affirmation had eroded into self concern that had further diminished into an anxious grasping for answers.
     “She told me she’s not getting’ back with her ex after all. I thought you’uns might be the reason.”
     “No, Clarence, I haven’t talked to her in a couple of weeks.” I said dryly even with disdain.
     “Well, I think she wants to talk with yuz.”
      Later that afternoon, about sunset, I saw Diana sitting on one of the concrete benches that lined the outdoor walkways. She smoked an incognito cigarette and smiled broadly to see me approach. It made her typical gracious smile that showed both vivacity and caring. I smiled too, and felt an old stirring of desire composed of magic and pain.
      “Hi, Matthew! Can we talk?”
     “Sure, I heard you and Bill aren’t getting back together.”
     I sat down beside her. She kissed me with unexpected passion.
     “No, it’d be a mistake. Our marriage was a mistake, getting back together would only compound it. Have you been all right, Matthew? I know I was rather cold with you last time we spoke. I was just under a lot of pressure.”
      I felt the ignition of love that quickly spread as a wildfire through my being; the delicious desire that drew me directly back into ego. It amounted to the romanticism that both launched and shipwrecked this odyssey. I had no defense against it. My smile returned. This time it was one of natural gratification rather than bliss. I’d become solid again rather than airy or fluid. Diana kissed me again. We embraced. She whispered tenderly, invited me over for dinner that night, and asked me to bring a little wine. I felt  being sucked into the old maelstrom of self and the world, and my independence perished in the bed of her soft brown eyes. Yet it was as painless and easy as a knee reflex. I relaxed and felt as I originally had been before she first coldly rejected me. Instead of a lofty detachment I felt intimate. My universal view now shrank to a more narrow and immediate focus. Thus, this vacation from life came to an ironic end, and required the necessary return to the labor of living.
      Brian was right. I hadn’t the wisdom to fend off the return of ego. It returned as easily as it departed. I had only enjoyed an introduction to the spiritual life. I now felt alive in the ordinary sense, and enjoyed drowning in all the sensuality Diana could offer. The glory of my new existence faded in the comforting familiarity of her eyes and voice. I’d later ponder this curious period in my life after the kids were in bed, while Diana showered, and with a cup of hot tea in my hand. Which way of life proved more worthwhile, more genuine? As I live today with so much established, and so much to consider I gather that it’s best to accept the life I have now, ego and all, rather than sacrifice its conventional happiness for a bliss whose foundation is at best uncertain and whose position hangs on a precipice.